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It has
occurred to me, as
much for my own sake
as anybody else's,
that it may be
useful to keep a
record of any events
or changes that seem
relevant. Bernadette
Roberts describes
the experience
taking several
months to fully
settle down in her.
As this section
grows I will create
bookmarks for large
items to save
scrolling
through:
Bookmarks:
March 2011:
March 2011;
No
Fear; There
is only This
April 2011:
Emotional Mist;
New
Teaching; Living in Moment
May
2011: Liberation
July
2011:
July-Oct
Oct
2011:
The
New Phase;
The
Dream goes on;
Finding the Truth
Jan
2012:
2012
March 2012:
March
2012, Lucid Dreaming
Diary
March 2011
It is only the next
day after I wrote the page
No-Self, so here we will
begin:
1)
Nature Walks -
I have found that I
am drawn to spend
more time out
walking amongst
nature. This has
been along the
canal, in the park,
in the woods. It
feels as if nature
is the external
representation, or
perhaps it's more of
a celebration, of
what I am feeling
within, and it feels
like home when I am
amongst it.
2)
Animals less
afraid - It
may only be a
coincidence, but not
only have I noticed
more wildlife when I
am out and about,
but animals seems
less wary of me than
I would usually
expect.
3)
'Appearance' has
changed - I
was at work today,
and a number of
people,
independently of
each other,
commented on how
well I looked: A
couple made
reference to my top
suiting me (a bright
red polo-shirt which
I had to wear for a
community event -
the same one I wore
two weeks ago when
no one mentioned
it). And another
said I looked like I
had been on holiday
or something! I
mentioned this to
Sally later, as it
seemed a bit strange
to me - it wasn't as
if I had developed a
suntan. She said I
did seem different,
somehow lighter, as
if a weight has been
lifted off me.
4) Awoke
into Stillness
- Last night there
was an interesting
experience: I woke
with a jolt, to be
staring into an
amazing solid peace
(I would say with my
eyes closed, but my
eyes did not occur
to me at the time).
It was warm,
complete and safe.
Not 'intense', as
that would imply
force of some sort,
but I was wide
awake, totally
aware. Then I began
to see what had
happened: My hand
had slipped off the
edge of the bed and
knocked the bedside
cabinet. This had
caused a bit of a
noise and a hard
knock on my hand,
waking me up
suddenly...
As I
continued to look
into it, moments
later the newness of
the feeling
evaporated into the
norm, as is the way.
But what struck me
was the obvious
contrast between
this 'new' awakened
state and the
sleeping dreamy
state that I had
been in only a
moment previously,
without the usual
transition of the
waking process. This
may be nothing
important, but
perhaps worth a
mention.
5) New
Being - It has
occurred to me on a
few occasions
recently, in that
moment I am not
'me'. It is as if
Nick Roach (or what
was identified as
being Nick
previously, be it
his essence or
whatever) has gone,
and this new energy
or persona has moved
into Nick's body,
still with Nick's
memories etc., and
of course his
appearance, but it's
no longer Nick as he
was. I seem to
recall BR
(Bernadette Roberts)
describing this in
one of her books as
feeling like being
reborn, and this is
as good a
description as any.
It is like I am
experiencing some
things for the first
time as this new
person, but can
remember the
previous occasions
as part of Nick's
memories, but they
are not my own.
Back
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6) No
Fear - One of
the characteristics
of this state has
been described as
'no emotional
disturbance'. I have
been waiting to be
able to comment on
this because
although I could
sense a change,
'feelings' were
still here in some
form. As BR's works
have been my main
point of reference
in navigating this
new phase, I will
say that she noticed
the emotions for her
did not disappear
instantly. Anyway,
here it is for now:
Last
weekend I noticed,
when out walking,
that I was aware of
an ongoing situation
at work which I
believe is all but
resolved now (it's
been painfully drawn
out). But unlike
previously, there
was not the strength
of feeling attached
to it. It was still
there, but only when
it occurred to me,
and was more of a
subtle disturbance
rather than the
stubborn ogre that I
would usually face
and dissolve. I
likened it at the
time to the midges
(small flying
insects) which
seemed to be
following me along
the path as I walked
round the lake.
Sometimes they
seemed to be gone,
at others I would
look past them and
forget about them,
and then there were
the times when I
would be careful of
my breathing through
concern for inhaling
one.
A couple of
days into this week,
as I was driving in
the car at about
midday, it occurred
to me that it was
gone. All
disturbance about
the situation (which
had not changed
externally at that
point since the
weekend) had
evaporated, leaving
a void. I tested it,
trying to imagine
the problem, but
could not. It had
gone.
I was not
going to get off
that lightly, even
in these new times
though. After a
couple more days
another major hiccup
occurred at work,
and I was aware that
this on top of all
else that has gone
before could have
been crushing. But
not this time. This
is new...
All fear
had gone; 'fear'
being the centre of
an emotional
response. I had to
react still, as the
issues had to be
addressed, but the
thought process was
clear. In fact, I
commented to Sally
that it was as if
this latest event
had fallen in our
laps. It enabled me
to highlight to the
people that needed
to know how awful
the ongoing
situation has been,
with this latest
event being the
final nudge, the
'last straw', and
all in an extremely
direct and yet
unemotional manner.
Had I known that the
last 7 years with
this single enduring
hardship would be
the driving force
behind my entering
this 'final' (so it
is said) phase, then
it may have made it
easier to cope with
- but perhaps that's
the point! The
seemingly
never-ending aspect
of it combined with
it having no
apparent meaning
made it all the more
powerful.
So, I have
to assume from
everything, and
accepting the
correlation
described above,
that the final death
of the emotional
continuation here
will occur within
the next few days
(if it has not
already occurred).
If I was pushed to
describe what is
here now, I may say
a phrase I've never
used: 'All is going
swimmingly!'
(In case
other people are
even less familiar
with the phrase than
I am, to me, here,
it is as if I am
supported, all
around, floating,
swimming relatively
effortlessly, going
with the flow).
Back
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7) There
is only 'This'
- Another common
phrase amongst
'spiritual seekers'
is 'There is only
THIS', or 'This is
only awareness
experiencing
itself'. I have
never quite grasped
these phrases
experientially.
Sure, I could say it
is ultimately true,
but the experience
of 'being here' was
still a fact and
could not be denied.
But now I
understand...
The problem
to me was that the
above phrases can
give the impression
that in such a state
there is nothing of
what was here
previously still
remaining to
identify with
anything. This (to
me) sounded as if it
may as well be an
inanimate object, a
robot going through
the motions of
existing with no
sense of being - no
'self' awareness.
However, this is not
the case as I am
experiencing it
here, and would like
to try to describe
it further as I see
it:
First we
have the
'awareness'. This
looks through the
mind which
encompasses the self
and out onto the
world of physical
experiences. The
self identifies with
the body, with being
separate, and
carries the
emotional history of
the person. Every
moment the self is
driving the
imagination to think
about what hurts it,
as well as what it
likes and doesn't
like, and even when
sitting quiet in the
physical world there
is little (no) peace
from its
interference in some
guise or other. And
all the time the
awareness is just
watching, untouched,
unencumbered. With
each physical
interaction the self
is interpreting it,
acting as a filter
so the awareness
receives, not
necessarily a
watered-down
version, but more
likely a hyped up,
'improved' and
modified version.
So, as we
start to see from
the above, if one
removes the filter,
the self, it is true
that only the
awareness is left,
but it is the SAME
awareness as before,
and that is the
point I wanted to
make (if only for my
own sake). The
experience of the
world is now direct.
It is clean, clear,
simple; like a
crystal glass in the
dishwasher adverts,
after it has been
through a wash with
the newest
detergent.
:o)
My 'self'
may have gone (or
maybe at this point
is still in the
transition process),
but the awareness
that remains is
still the same
awareness that has
always been here,
looking out through
the eyes and
experiencing what is
here to experience.
To
summarise, there is
no need to be
confused about the
saying 'There is
only This', or
'There is only
awareness
experiencing
itself', and to
wonder what it
means: The space you
feel inside where
you are aware that
you exist, that is
what remains, still
aware, still
watching.
Back
to top
April 2011
8)
Emotional Mist -
It is now mid April
and the journey is
still ongoing. The
work situation has
dragged on and I am
taking it as a
reflection of the
ongoing situation
within. What I have
noticed is, unlike
previously when
something may have
occurred that would
cause an emotional
disturbance and I
would hold onto the
feeling until it
dissolved, now there
is nothing to grab
hold of. Now, only
the thought of the
situation will occur
to me and staying
'aware' (not going
into the
imagination) results
in it quickly
evaporating. BR
commented on the
emotions losing
their power prior to
their final demise,
and that would fit
with this
experience.
To
elaborate, during
past weeks I did
permit myself to
imagine the
situation (in the
knowledge that I
still remain
conscious now), and
what happened was a
sort of whirlwind
affect: starting
with an emotional
'mist' within my
internal awareness,
and then proceeding
to swirl around,
building up in
strength as it did
so, but in this case
swirling around a
still and quiet
centre - like a
tornado. Here there
is nothing go grab
hold of and nothing
to fight against.
While the
imagination keeps
going, so does the
swirling. Hence,
dropping the
imagination at the
first hint of a
thought denies the
initial creation of
the emotion, even
before the first
traces of the mist
can arise. This has
been my own
experience and
teaching from the
beginning, but
usually there has
been a time-delay
between holding the
mind still and the
emotion evaporating.
Now the correlation
is all but
instantaneous.
Back
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9) New
Teaching - In
this strange
unfolding, a major
change seems to be
the lack of anything
new to share, but
more than that is
the removal of any
need to do so.
The
elimination of the
sense of being
anything (no centre
etc.) means partly
that there is a
sense of having
nothing to give or
to offer, but also
that there is no-one
to take ownership of
anything either.
That is to say, I
(Nick Roach) used to
say that I am
Enlightened or
God-Realised etc.
and taught from
there about what it
is; and that was the
truth.
However,
take away the sense
of 'being', and it
is as if 'I' have
nothing 'to hang my
hat on' (and then I
notice I no longer
have a hat). There
really is nothing to
teach and no-one to
teach it, and yet
here I sit, writing
this! ...How
peculiar!. :o)
BR said one
thought that
occurred to her is
that people may as
well keep their
self, as in the end
it is all they
have!
:o)
Back
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10)
Living in the
Moment - It is
said that the
experience of
No-Self is of truly
living in the
moment, so I have
been waiting to
write something on
this. In the last
couple of days I
have asked myself
how mindful (in the
moment) I currently
am, and I am not
quite sure...
It seems a
bit strange
actually, and I
think it’s because I
am on the cusp (or
still in the
transition process).
I will explain…
Here it’s
been about a month
so far, and
certainly there has
been a big change,
but it’s difficult
to remember
sometimes what it
was like before.
Also, thoughts do
still occur every so
often, and it’s as
if I may still ‘dip
my toe’ of
thinking/imagination
into them, as if to
test the water, and
then quickly
withdraw it as if
remembering that I
have been there and
didn’t like it. All
is good. :o)
However,
Bernadette Roberts
described the
process taking
several months to
complete once the
centre had
evaporated for her,
so I expect the
experience to
continue to unfold.
Cont...
Two weeks
have passed since I
wrote the last part
on Living in the
Moment, and I now
have more to write.
I would say the
process is almost
complete with
regards specifically
to 'being in the
moment' (as it is
said) and I would
like to say a bit
about this:
When I have
heard or read about
this element of
'Enlightenment'
(No-Self) there was
always a small
question in me as to
what was really
meant and what it
was like. And why
would there not be?
Until one has
experienced what is
being described, it
is largely
theoretical.
As with
much of the
information that has
come to me as
insights into how
this existence
works, this new
phase has also been
interpreted for me
in relation to this
behaving like
(being) a dream
existence. When it
has occurred to me
over the last few
days to reflect on
what I am
experiencing here
and how best to
describe it, this is
what has been
offered:
The term
'Living in the
Moment' for some
reason always gave
me the impression of
a fixed, structured,
Now! Now! Now! sort
of experience, where
one would be totally
aware that there is
only now and here
'I' am. However,
this is not how it
has come to me...
...As I
looked, I likened it
to when I am asleep
in bed, dreaming:
although I may have
a thought, such as
'where is
so-and-so?' or 'What
is that?', there is
no drifting off into
the imagination
('day dreaming'). I
am totally 'in the
moment' (in the
dream). But also I
noticed that this is
not through any
effort (and this may
be a new
connection). In the
dream, the idea of
past and future does
not really arise in
the usual sense, and
I simply deal with
whatever is in front
of me at the time.
And that's not to
say there is no
emotion in the
dream. It can occur
(as we all know). It
is just that it
lacks permanence...
And this is
how I experience
this 'Living in the
Moment' here, whilst
'awake'. There is no
effort, and most of
the time I am not
even aware that I am
in the moment.
Again, the notion of
past and future
simply does not
occur. All 'time' is
part of the unending
moment.
Another way
of explaining it may
be to liken the
'normal' way of
thinking and living
to navigating a fast
flowing river with
its twists and
turns, where one
must watch out and
allow for the
oncoming rapids
whilst bailing water
out the boat and
patching up any
damage from the last
stretch. But living
'in the moment' is
more like floating,
bobbing up and down
in the open ocean,
with no sight of
land and little
sense of time. It is
as if there is no
past or future, and
certainly no way to
know from which
direction one has
come or where one is
heading, if one is
indeed heading
anywhere.
('Enlightenment'
I suggest is
somewhere in between
the two; perhaps
still in the river,
but it has widened
and slowed
considerably. There
are still rocks and
turns to navigate
around, but no more
rapids and no more
having to bail out
water or repair the
boat to prevent it
sinking).
Back
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May 2011
11)
Liberation: It
occurred to me to
contact our good
friend Dr Nitin
Trasi as I recalled
him writing about
'Liberation'
occurring after
Enlightenment. Then
I remembered that I
too wrote an essay
on it back in 2004.
This was initially
published on this
website and later
was put into our 2nd
book 'Essays in
Truth, Glimpses
into Reality'.
At that time the
writing was based on
a combination of
insight and logic
(from what I had
already gone
through), and once
written it was soon
forgotten. (This is
another example of
the time delay which
will often exist
between seeing a
truth and fully
realising it).
Website for
Nitin
Trasi:
www.the-science-of-enlightenment.com
As I go
further into this
experience, I am
beginning to see
that I prefer the
term 'Liberation' to
'No-Self'. This is
because there is so
much confusion as to
what the word 'Self'
is, that if one has
to go to
considerable lengths
in defining it
before one even gets
to what it is to
have 'no self', the
whole subject can
become confusing.
However, the term
Liberation is
descriptive in
itself (and quite
accurate), thus
requires far less
explanation to the
lay-person (to at
least give an idea
as to what is
meant).
(NB.
Bernadette Roberts
has written a very
detailed book
devoted solely to
investigating
'What is Self?').
In the same
way, the state of
Enlightenment or
Self-Realisation has
also been described
as the 'No Ego'
experience. But we
have a seemingly
never-ending debate,
spanning history
across the globe,
regarding the
reality of the
'ego'. Hence I have
always avoided this
word too.
So, I think
from this point
forward I am going
to opt to use the
term Liberation as
my primary label (as
it was, back in
2004).
12)
Liberation cont...
A few days
have passed since I
wrote the above
piece on Liberation,
and as I was writing
it an image came to
me: that is of a
person seated in a
single person dingy
in the middle of the
ocean with no land
or indeed anything
in sight besides the
water (it has just
occurred to me that
I don't think I even
noticed any
horizon)... There
was no sense of
fear, or indeed any
emotion, or movement
of any sort, from
this lone person.
The boat had no
means of propulsion
and there was no
intention within
this person to go
anywhere... Just
floating,
watching...
I write
this now because
this image has stuck
with me ever since.
Every so often it
has occurred to me
to look at it, but
it is as if it is
always there. (I
suspect it is simply
reflecting in image
form the phase I am
entering, but it is
new to me).
What I had
not appreciated
until earlier today
is that the person,
the boat and the
ocean all still
exist. As peaceful,
amazing, and even
'alien' this new
state of being may
be, it is still
'being' nonetheless.
There is no denying
that 'I' still am.
There is no sense of
time; no wanting to
get anywhere and no
sense of having been
anywhere. There may
be only 'being', but
'being' there is.
PS. I feel
moved to add the
following:
"While
the word
'Liberation'
remains, in
whatever sense -
in fact, while any
word remains...
...and
then, perhaps
meaningfully, here
the sentence ends
without words!,
but the meaning is
clear..."
This then
reminds me of the
quote from The
Bible: 'In the
beginning was The
Word'.
(I am not
totally sure what
the relevance of the
last paragraph was,
but it felt right to
record it).
Back
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July 2011
13) Life
changes
The
external life has
now changed,
enabling me to have
more time away from
work. Time will see
how this goes, but I
feel I desperately
need it.
August 2011
14)
Cheyenne
The
extended time away
from work has given
me a feeling of
space within, and
with it came a new
experience. I have
given this its own
page: Cheyenne
(the New
Beginning)
Back
to top
October
2011
14) The
new phase
It has been
a while since I
wrote anything, and
the other week I
looked back at some
of what I had
written above and
saw this from April
2011 6) No Fear:
"So, I have to
assume from
everything, and
accepting the
correlation
described above,
that the final death
of the emotional
continuation here
will occur within
the next few days
(if it has not
already occurred)."
Reading the
above, I had to ask,
internally, 'Has the
emotion 'died'; am I
now free?'.
As I
looked, the first
response was 'No,
nothing has
changed!... Sure
everything is ok and
I have no problems
and life is going
well, but nothing
has actually
changed!".
So, I
brushed this aside
as not being worth
recording, but over
the next few days it
dawned on me the
implications of what
I had seen:
Externally the
circumstances of
life had changed to
allow me more time
outside the working
environment (which I
knew I desperately
needed), and since
then
internally/emotionally
everything had
changed - but only
in so much as there
are no problems...
I had to
wonder if that meant
something had
actually changed
within, or was it
simply that the
issue causing the
problems had been
removed, and hence I
was now feeling
better...
Then
something else
happened:
The new
additional time away
from work has
allowed me to slow
down. The momentum
which has been going
for so long is now
transforming into
more of a pause,
even in action. That
is to say, while the
pause used to be
present between
action (and this was
all it was), I have
noticed that even in
the midst of action
a pause is
developing. And
more-so, this pause
has information in
it...
And here we
get to the point
(and it may be only
a passing point, as
experiences change
and I can only write
what I experience as
I do):
15)
Enlightenment Vs
Liberation
It is often
the case that it is
only once one has
gone beyond
something, all the
way through and out
the other side, that
one can see it for
what it was. A truly
'Enlightened' person
may be able to
describe perfectly
their experience of
Enlightenment, but
they are missing one
major aspect or
perceptive. Sure,
they know what it is
like both before
Enlightenment and
during it, but they
still lack the
ability to look back
on it from the other
side. It is this new
phase that I am
entering here, and I
would like to write
a little about it.
Looking
back, I would now
describe the
experience of my
Enlightenment (and I
say it like that
because people will
experience it in
different ways) as
being self-aware or
conscious all the
time. But that only
means to be aware of
one's self all the
time. The centre of
my 'being' was
always present,
regardless of what
else was happening
around me,
regardless of how
difficult the
circumstances of
life were and
regardless of how
painful life got -
my centre was strong
and constant...
And, if I
was replying to an
email or giving a
talk, or indeed at
any other point
during the day that
I was reminded, the
knowledge that this
is all a dream
(more-so (to me) my
own dream) would be
there, immediate and
unquestionable.
However, even in
this state, this
brief and occasional
reminder was not
enough to break
through the
disturbance which I
was facing in my day
to day living. I had
to persevere...
The new
change, which is
only days old as I
write this, is that
every few minutes
the Self-knowledge
comes to me that
this is indeed a
dream, my own dream,
and that I am alone.
But more than being a
knowledge, this is a real
experience - the same one it
seems that I had 9 years ago and
is what I have always described
as my initial entrance into
Enlightenment: It was as if I
was truly awake in the dream,
rather than just intuitively
knowing it's a dream...
But at that time
the experience faded leaving
only the knowledge that was
available at any time that I
looked, 'I am This' or 'I am
alone'. However, this new phase
seems to be the becoming
of the constant experience (with
the knowledge) that this is a
dream / 'Maya'...
I suspect
this is going to be
the major aspect of
the Liberation state
for me: to never
again be engulfed in
emotion as a result
of an external
situation. Time will
tell...
Back
to top
16) The Dream
goes on...
This new phase is a little
strange. As I described above,
the information is not new – I
first had the insight that
this is a dream about 17 years
ago, and this knowledge was
further concreted nearly 9yrs
ago with the experience of
‘Becoming it’, but that
quickly passed and left only
the inner knowledge; a sort of
intuition. As undeniable as it
was, it was only knowing it,
not being it. Here, the
experience is back...
It
still comes and goes
throughout the day… but to
further describe what it is
like, imagine if you can being
at work, in the usual office
(assuming you work in an
office), and you are aware
that you are ‘awake’, but
walking around in your own
dream: The office, the
building, and indeed the task
you are currently carrying
out, is all within your dream.
What would you do?
Many would suggest that in the
situation described above, if
they were absolutely sure it
was a dream, that they would
walk out of the office,
possibly pausing only to tell
someone what they really
thought of them, and off they
would go for good; very likely
to indulge in a series of
other 'reckless’ activities on
their way home – or possibly
just leave their life behind
and not go home at all. (ie.
no fear of consequences).
But hold on a moment… What if
there are consequences, not
because it is not a dream, but
because the dream keeps going?
Whatever you do ‘today’,
whether ‘today’ is real or
not, will affect what is
dreamt tomorrow. As per the
words that came to me when I
first had the insight all
those years ago: ‘A Dream it
may be, but the Dream goes
on!’. There is no escape.
(Another relevant saying is to
‘Reap what you sow’).
Another what if…
Most of us have seen the film
The Matrix: Perhaps you would
be tempted to ‘take the red
pill’; in effect to end the
dream to see what is beyond
it? BUT, what if there is
nothing beyond it, or worse
still, what if another dream
is created and you would start
again, but without the
knowledge that it is a dream?
Would you rather live with the
knowledge, which awards a
certain detachment and a
relative end to the day-to-day
emotional struggle, or risk
coming back without it?
Another relevant point is the
people you interact with and
the daily living that you may
currently enjoy, and all that
you might ‘miss’… You see,
just because you are 'awake',
the dream does not change.
Only the way you perceive it
has changed.
So, I suggest that you have
struggled so long to get to
this point and to now be free
– ‘Liberated’; it is easier to
carry on, and begin to enjoy
the dream - go with the flow..
Back
to top
17) Finding the
Truth
So, you are awake in the dream
(following on from the above
scenario)...
Question: What do you
know?
Answer: Well, not much
really!...
-
You know you are here, but not
what you are, or even
where here is.
-
You know (as much as anything
can be 'known') that this is a
dream, taking the meaning from
our common understanding of
the word 'dream'; and yet,
except for the regular respite
from it when you appear to go
to sleep here, each time you
return to the dream the
circumstances continue where
you last left it...
-
(Imagine for a moment the
above happening here too... if
each time you went to sleep
(at night in your bed) you
'awoke' back in the same
dream, night after night?
Sure, time had moved on a bit
- say 16 hours since you last
were there - but nothing to
raise any question. How easy
would it be to become
emotionally attached to the
dream, whether pleasant or
extremely painful? We are
affected by our dreams now, as
they are real to us while we
are in them (just like here).
But what if the same dream was
continued night after night,
week after week, year after
year? - That is what this is
like).
-
We
had always assumed this
'physical environment' was
reality, and that when we
'sleep' we let go of it for a
while; but suddenly what we
call 'Deep Dreamless Sleep'
seems to adopt the mantel of
being the nearest to 'true'
reality that we can get: This
is when the dream ends - when
all dreaming ends!?
-
So, to find The Truth, where
should one look? ...Your whole
reality is dreamt after all.
Experience has shown that the
more you look within, at your
sense of 'being', the more the
illusion of the dream is seen
through and the less
'important' it becomes.
Reasoning suggests that
eventually the dream will
simply evaporate and there
will be nothing left to either
know anything or to be known;
so only here, in the illusory
existence, can anything be
known to any extent, while it
is here. And yet, how do you
dissect a dream? This is a
truly amazing place.
Scientists are trying to
understand this reality in so
many ways, are have made
wonderful progress, but will
there ever be a point when the
true nature of this place will
be undeniable, or will we
always simply find more
'dream': more stuff to
measure? (Maybe the nearest we
can get to science finding
'The Truth' here is something
close to the theoretical 'Dark
Matter' or even more-so 'Dark
Energy'... It cannot be seen,
so it is 'non-physical', and
yet its effects are there. But
saying that, I am by no means
a scientist, so I am only
speculating here).
18) New implications
Another week has passed and we
are now at the end of October.
The experience is almost
uninterrupted now, in my
'waking state' (and that can
be taken both ways), and I
wanted to make note of a few
observations that have
occurred...
First, again I will say that
there is no new information in
this for me. I had the insight
(as a glimpse into true
Self-knowledge and not just an
intellectual understanding)
when I was about 21 years old,
and 9 years later I had the
experience of becoming what I
had known all those years.
This experience passed and
left only the knowledge which
has been lived ever since...
Now that the experience has
returned, the implications of
the information also return:
the questions and the new
perceptions.
For example, I was reminded of
the TV series and films
'Highlander', where the main
character is immortal (unless
his head is cut off), going
through his long life having
to change his name every so
often, taking on the identity
of someone who has passed
away. That suggestion always
seemed quite cool, but not any
more: Once one is 'awake' in
their own dream, the idea of
the dream lasting forever
seems to lose its sparkle to
some degree.
And likewise, watching the TV
series like 'X' Factor which
is on at the moment, and
seeing how hollow it now seems
if one was to be idolised and
one's attention craved, when
everybody else is known to be
figments in one's own dream.
And being successful at
anything carries the same
feeling: nothing is really
achieved - like kids fighting
over who has built the best
sandcastle on the beach as the
tide comes in to wash it all
away.
And having said all that, this
must still be lived: the game
must still be played and one
must still get up and do what
needs to be done each day. As
I said above, a dream it may
be, but the dream still goes
on. There are still
consequences, none-the-less.
However, another aspect worth
noting is that this is still
emotionally unsettling for me,
if only a little. Even though
none of it is new, clearly
there is an emotional death
going on.
A
phrase which has occurred to
me is what The Buddha is
supposed to have said to the
men who noticed he was
'different' in some way, and
asked if he was a magician
amongst other things, and
eventually The Buddha replied
simply "I am awake!".
19) Buddha Poem -
Quoted from:
http://www.religionfacts.com/buddhism/beliefs/afterlife.htm#1
The Buddha said of death:
Life is a journey.
Death is a return to earth.
The universe is like an inn.
The passing years are like
dust.
Regard this phantom world
As a star at dawn, a bubble in
a stream,
A flash of lightning in a
summer cloud,
A flickering lamp - a phantom
- and a dream.
{1}
Nirvana
Nirvana is the state of final
liberation from the cycle of
death and rebirth. It is also
therefore the end of suffering.
The literal meaning of the word
is "to extinguish," in the way
that a fire goes out when it
runs out of fuel. In the
Surangama, the Buddha
describes Nirvana as the place
in which...
"..it is recognized that there
is nothing but what is seen of
the mind itself; where,
recognizing the nature of the
self-mind, one no longer
cherishes the dualisms of
discrimination; where there is
no more thirst nor grasping;
where there is no more
attachment to external
things."
19) January 2012
It has been several weeks
since I updated this page and
it seemed time to do so. Below
I will list the main points:
-
First, since writing above
that the knowledge that this
is a dream is now constant,
this has since changed to be
more a gentle coming and going
of the awareness of the
knowledge. Not a major point
perhaps, but for the sake of
accuracy I wanted to include
it.
-
Second, possibly in-keeping
with Barry Long's teachings
regarding one's relationship
being a vital part of the
(so-called) 'spiritual journey'
(Barry's main
teaching was largely focused
on how to love 'rightly' in
order to grow in love and
consciousness), as close and
Sally and I have been over the
8 or so years since we met, suddenly things
have entered a new phase in
recent weeks and
we are much closer and
in-tune then ever before.
-
Another small point:
Last week I received an email
from a visitor to the website
asking whether the page
describing my '3 requirements
for lasting contentment'
should be updated following
the developments over the last
few months, so update it I
have. Not much has changed,
but there may be an
interesting addition:
#update2012.
-
Also, I have received contact
from a number of people
regarding various teachers
who, invariably having had
some kind of spontaneous
awakening, teach with bold
phrases like: "This is just
happening; there is no 'path'
and no 'spiritual journey!" -
"You are already Enlightened;
you just don't know it!" -
"There is nobody here to
be, or to not be, Enlightened"
- "Just surrender and be here
now; there is nowhere else to
be as nothing is real!" -
etc... After a little while
considering the above (not for
the first time) and how
different my approach is from
theirs, I eventually came to
the conclusion that the reason
these teachers do not teach a
'path' or process to
'spiritual' development (such
as the facing and dissolving
of emotion) is simply (and
this seems obvious really)
because they did not follow a
path themselves. I was taught
by Barry Long about the cause
and effect of this emotional
temporary existence, and have
watched the domino effect of
the circumstances of my life
every day for the last 20+
years, and to me it is
obvious. And yet these people
insist there is no cause and
effect; everything just is!
All I can say to that is, if
you really are able to just
'be', like that, then great.
But for the rest of us who
have to play the game, I can
teach you the rules. :o)
20) Dream - Dying in car
crash
A few days ago I had a dream.
I was the passenger in the
front seat of a car, driving
up some steep and windy roads
on the side of a mountain.
Soon the driver pulled into a
gravel car park, swung the car
around and parked so that I
was looking out of the side
window over the valley, about
18 inches from the edge and
the steep drop below.
Only a moment later the driver
said "Hold on, I will pull
forward a bit", and he started
the engine and drove forward
as he had said, to be closer
to the edge...
From this moment the dream was
in three stages, each one
being a moment frozen in time,
allowing my mind to consider
what was occurring...
1)
In my mind's eye, I saw the
outside of the car, like a
camera zoomed in on the front
wheel next to me, and I
watched as it tipped over the
edge and small rocks fell
away; and for a second the
vision froze...
As
I looked at the wheel, and saw
the extreme drop below, down the
several-storey vertical cliff
to the rocky surface at the
bottom, a few thoughts quickly
went through me: 'Is this
real? 'Is this a set-up; some
sort of 'You've Been Framed'
TV show?'...
2)
Then, my view of the edge of the cliff
disappeared underneath as the
car lunged forward, and the
entire front end of the car
was over the edge and starting
to fall. At this point I
immediately knew this was
real...
Again, here the scene froze,
and I had time to ask a few
more questions: 'Why is this
happening?'; 'What will dying
now achieve?'; 'I have come so
far... What will I possibly
learn from dying, now, like
this?'; 'What is the point?!'.
3)
Then the scene jumped forward
again, and I was staring out
of the front window only yards
before we hit the bottom. The
rocky surface filled the
entire windscreen. During the
fall the car had begun to flip
head-over-heels, and the
landing was going to be partly
nose-first with a heavy crash
on the roof, flattening the
car...
As
I looked, I knew this was
going to be all-but certain
death, and at the very least I
would be left in a hell of a
mess if I was to survive. And
because of this knowledge (and
this is the point for me), the
words that actually came out
of my mouth (in the dream)
were surprising in that they
were humorous. I said simply:
"Oh Fu*king Hell; this is not
going to be good!".
Then it went black, and I woke
up!
Meaning?...
I
can usually glean some sort of
message or lesson from a
'striking' dream such as this,
as my dreams tend to follow
the same pattern as in my
daily life and relate to some
sort of emotional attachment.
The scenario itself probably
came from a combination of
watching the Ice Road
Truckers' Deadliest Roads
recently, and likewise an
episode of Top Gear
where they did a program on
the same type of roads;
teetering on the edge of a
sheer drop with two cars
trying to pass where there was
only room for 1½ cars...
But as for the lesson itself,
so far I have just been
intrigued by my attitude at
the time. There was no fear;
just a questioning as to the
reason, and then a feeling of total
'surrender' to 'what is', and
indeed what was to be, where I
was powerless to affect the
outcome in any way.
March 2012
21) 'Awake' when asleep -
Lucid Dreaming
So
far, my being 'awake' has been
in this 'real' world (where
everybody thinks they are
awake, but that is because
they don't know they are
dreaming)...
Well, within the last couple
of weeks I have had two
additional meaningful dreams:
1)
I was in a house with the
occupants. They were being
very pleasant and were about
to show me around, and
suddenly I was awake and aware
that I was dreaming. A moment
later it occurred to me, as
this was a dream, then nothing
can go wrong, so I decided to
see what would happen if I was
to take off all my clothes
(please forgive the mental
image if you are easily
offended)....
As
I stood there, naked, the
occupants did not flinch. They
continued to act as if nothing
had happened and we spoke,
normally.
A
few minutes passed, and still
unsure as to whether their
lack of reaction was due to
them not noticing, or being
too polite to say anything (in
the dream), it occurred to me
that actually I was being very
rude. Dream or not, I was
showing no respect to these
people who were being very
nice to me.
With that I began to get
dressed. (I remember having a
little trouble locating my
underpants and picking up and
studying a pair that did not
look like mine).
The second Dream I cannot
remember in any detail. All I
recall was that I was awake
again, aware that I was
dreaming, and this time chose
to carry on as if nothing had
changed (as one must do here).
The dream was uneventful, but
that shift was relevant.
14th March 2012
It
has been a year since this
process began and this Diary
was started. A lot has
changed:
Environmentally, my life is
now very comfortable (thank
you); it's been a long time
coming. Work is good, and
home-life and specifically my
relationship is great. It's an
amazing change.
Personally, I am more relaxed,
and yet I have also been moved
to break down a few of the
mental structures that have
existed in me all my life with
regards to how I perceive and
present myself (namely: I got
my ear pierced; got my first
tattoo; my goatee has become a
fuller (but still quite neat)
beard; I am learning to ride a
motorbike; have gone back to
the gym; and given up coffee
and gone onto herbal tea.
Quite a list - I am not quite
becoming a hippy though, if
that' show it sounds).
Spiritually (for want of a
better word), being 'Awake' is
increasingly becoming the
norm. Again, this is not as an
intuitive knowledge that this
is a dream, but as a real
experience.
I
will add though that this does
not mean in a day-to-day sense
that living has changed. By
that I mean, being 'Awake'
does not mean I can walk
through walls or fly, or move
mountains with a single
thought (years ago I read some
of the old stories about
Eastern Masters who apparently
did these things). However,
blatant coincidences occur
regularly, making living (at
present, at least) relatively
effortless.
I
don't know how things will
progress from here, or whether
there will just be more of the
same, but I will update this
page in future if anything
spectacular does change.
Thank you for reading.
Nick Roach
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