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Nick's Story
Below is a description of Nick's experiences
and what brought him to where he is.
Nick feels it is important to know a person in this state
is not special, even if they have attained what would be considered an
amazing level of consciousness. This level is accessible to anyone who is
ready, as are many of the earlier experiences and insights that occur
along the way.
How it all started
"For many
who look into spiritual philosophies, the quest is often driven by more of a curiosity
than a need. In my case, there was a very real need to know. A need to
know that there was some reason to all the emotional ups and downs that
everybody around me seemed to accept as perfectly normal.
At the age
of 15years I began buying books on various aspects of the paranormal, many I
never opened except to glance through when I first got them home, to see that
there were not the answers I sought. The real question within me was 'Why?'.
By the age
of 17years I'd had enough. It seemed I had
looked everywhere.
It then occurred to me psychics are said to be in touch with dead people, so if
anyone could know the reason for it all, they should. I made an appointment to
meet with a psychic at 'The College of Psychic Studies' in London. To me this
was my last chance to find a reason for it all, before I looked for a way out. I
knew I could not live another 70+ years in this state.
The Psychic
told me I was feeling this way due to already being on a high spiritual level,
and would progress quickly if I chose to follow this path, but I didn't have to!
I told him I did! He repeated that I didn't! I said again that I did! I knew
this was what I had to do. He told me to learn to meditate, and if I wanted
to enrol in a course at the College he recommended a 'Spiritual Awareness
Course' starting in a few weeks...
I enrolled in the
course, despite the College having a ruling never to accept anyone under the age
of 21years. The course
involved a lot of visualisation and questioning where thoughts and feelings
came from. An example of the visualisation is, at the first session we were
directed to close our eyes and visualise walking up the stairs to the room we
were now in, in the College; to open the door, and what we saw in the room was
significant. As I was following the instructions, I opened the door to find blackness. No floor,
no walls, no ceiling, no
anything; just Blackness. This was translated to mean anything was possible for
me.
I began my
A-Levels in Psychology and Sociology in an attempt to continue looking for answers. I read the
book 'The Road Less Travelled' by MD Scott Peck and felt at the time it was a
great book. I was continuing to question every thought and feeling that
entered me to locate its source and try to understand it.
Finding a Master
One day,
whilst sitting after College alone at home on the sofa waiting for the next thought so
I could dissect it, I saw as an inner knowledge that I had got as far as I could with this method. Suddenly
I said to the four walls out loud the words 'I need a Master!'; and I was not even
sure what a Master was. At that instant I remembered a book I'd bought a year
earlier; one of the many I had never opened. It was by a Master called Barry Long and the book was
called 'Stillness is the Way'. I dashed to my collection of books stored in the
drawers, went straight to it, and began reading.
The book
was a transcript of a class he had held years earlier, and simply involved
getting people to look and be aware, but not to think. I was 18years old now,
and my life changed with this book.
I began
buying his books and tapes, and attended meetings he held in England. I
have since been to Australia 3 times where he lived and taught, to attend
residential seminars.
I
progressed quickly, speaking with Barry during the times with him, and writing
to Barry and on occasions receiving a reply.
As I turned
21years I began a relationship with a woman I had known for a couple of years
through work. Her name was Elaine. I explained to her as best I could what I was
doing with my life, and explained I was trying to grow in love through awareness
and the facing emotion as it arises and I needed her to do the same if we were to be
together. She agreed
she would try, and together we listened to Barry Long's tapes and attended the
talks and meetings he held in England over the next few years. I was to learn
over quite a long period of time that
no-one can do this for anyone else, either through trying extra hard to do it for you
both because
the other doesn't want to, or by trying to do it just because someone else wants
you to. Neither works for long.
Elaine
heard the truth in the words, but like most people had lived an emotional life
and had not had enough to really want to be free of it. When the emotions rose
in her in the early days I found it very difficult as they reacted with my own
feelings, forcing me to face it both from within and without. As the years went
by I could see how I was benefiting through this constant reflection of emotion,
by having to detach from it, but still I longed to be totally free of the pain of it.
Through this facing
and dissolving through being conscious and aware I seemed to
develop quickly, every six months or so looking back and seeing how I had
changed. I could see how the moods and emotions coming at me from outside were
affecting me less and less and I was becoming more at ease generally, as well as
receiving insights into the nature of things here. I had not seen Barry for
several years since he had stopped coming to England and Elaine no longer
wished to follow his teaching, so it made going to Australia to see him
difficult.
Entering a new level
In October
2001 I finally went alone to see Barry Long teaching in Australia. He had not taught in
England for a number of years due to ill health and I’d had only the recordings
of meetings which were published occasionally. When speaking with Barry at
the meeting he
exclaimed it was wonderful I'd got so far, at only 29 years old.
During the
time there I was given the knowledge from within that 'The Lord' was entering
me. A few days past of wondering what this meant before being given the
knowledge that this was 'Love'. Barry had taught that Truth and Love are often
realised separately, and this seemed to be the case. I had a great deal of
knowledge, but attained purely through facing emotional pain. He had taught 'The Lord' is also the
'Keeper of the threshold'; an old term meaning a person must go through this
level to get to the Truth beyond.
A few days
later, still in Australia for Barry's meeting whilst seated in my room one evening, I had another experience of being
asked if I was ready to die. It was as if I had a choice now to become 'One' with the
Being, with Life, and dissolve into it. I looked at the area of energy across
the room offering the door-way, and the knowledge was 'I only had to say ‘Yes’
inside and I would be gone'. It was ironic that this was what I had longed for,
to escape from the pain of existence, and yet I had only recently been told I
was to enter the new experience of realising Love. Was I now allowed to remain
and enjoy it after all my hard work, or must I be true to my knowledge and my
longing of many years and let go of this existence?
A few
minutes seemed to pass and, as I looked, I soon felt if I was allowed to remain here I would
like to. With this the energy went, leaving me feeling like a fallen angel that
had been offered the opportunity to return to God, and said 'No Thank you'. I went to bed with
the question of whether or not I would even wake up the next day. Having worked so
hard and longed for so long to get out of this nightmare, finally to get to a
point where I am happy now to stay. Was this the purpose of the whole thing? Was
the purpose of all the pain and the facing of it, for me to accept life or death equally? I didn't know, and it didn't
seem to matter. I went to sleep and accepted I would either wake up or not.
The
next day was like a new world. It was the first day in my life that I couldn't
blame anyone else for my being here. This was now my life, my choice. I began to
see Love in everything around me.
I returned
to England to Elaine. A few months passed and It seemed it was now time to
finish the relationship. Neither one of us were benefiting or enjoying it as it
was. We had been together 8 years and I saw the emotional ups and downs had no
hold over me any more. I was detached and now unaffected by the moods of others
and saw it was time to move on. The time together had enabled me to face and
dissolve a great deal of emotion which had been within me, giving me good level
of self-awareness and insight.
I returned
to Australia the following year for the 'Master Session' with Barry, and again spoke with
him in person. He seemed concerned as I had entered a new level and in a number
of the following talks
Barry warned that all Masters are not on the same level and that Enlightenment is not
an end, it's a beginning! I was not sure then that my new level was
Enlightenment, but I knew something had changed.
Enlightenment
It had occurred to me that perhaps I was
already Enlightened, except there seemed to be an ingredient missing. I met a
few people during the Master Session this time, and while talking with a lady
relatively new to the teaching, suddenly something shifted inside me. While I was
looking at her and talking, she became my reflection, or a part of it. I was
talking with another part of me, in fact everything was me or my reflection; even other people,
trees, grass, cars, everything
became my own being or self reflected back. This experience passed and returned
several times during the following weeks, eventually to become constant
approximately 6 months later.
In one of
the talks whilst there I also had the experience that Elaine was with me, in my body, and that we
were sharing it. I had not seen Elaine for three months and knew she would have
no knowledge of this. It was me becoming 'One' with her within me; with my love for her
as Barry had taught.
Throughout the evening the sensation grew, from her sharing each feeling and
experience with me (even my finding humour in my sitting in the Gent's toilets
and wondering if she'd seen this before) to later that night my noticing I was
not there at all; that only she was within this body and I happened to be
receiving the information from the senses. By the next morning we were both
gone. There was only Being left, with no person.
The
experience was extremely powerful and it seemed to me I knew what I had to do.
I was to go back to England, back to Elaine, and help her to become complete and
to make us 'One' in her body as I had in mine. This was the best way I could see
to repay her for our time together which had got me to this level of experience
and being. Elaine agreed again, she would try.
I begin Teaching
A little
after being back in England I sent Barry a Letter thanking him for his words of
caution and saying that I understood, and described a little of my experience.
He replied and the letter included the following:
* "...It seems to me, your qualifications to serve by teaching
the people are solid or well-founded. It is true at 30 there is still much
living to do, as J. Krishnamurti found. But that did not stop him. At that age -
& I suppose at every age - one must face the testing in circumstance of the
realisations of truth / and or love. At 30 however, with profound knowledge
already realised, there's a lot of living to do. Yes, your piece on Free Will is
correct to me. So there you go Nick - Or on you go..."
I was now 30 years old.
I later
sent Barry a last letter 24th June 2003 thanking very much for his reply and his
words, and added that the question I had mentioned in my letter as to what 'The
Master' is, had been answered. I wrote...
"..A few days after
writing it was suggested to me that if a name had to be given to this experience
of being the only 'I', 'The Master' would seem to be as good a name as any. This
suggestion has stayed with me ever since. So, as long as I
am not deluding myself, this is it. No flashing lights, no levitating or
appearing & disappearing. Not even any real answers. I had major expectations as
to what 'The Master' means, but there is really not much else it can mean. To be
The Master, is to be the only one here (and not just to know it).."
By this
time I had already begun holding a
Teaching Class at work one evening per week.
Despite
benefiting from the Teaching, Elaine had not been able to dissolve her emotions
and was still being swayed by them and blamed external causes as is the normal
way to live. A woman who came to the classes, Sally, had amazing experiences
from the start and showed a sensitivity and a willingness to learn. After a few
weeks we
talked and felt we could do this together. It was still my aim to realise (make
real) Love and to set Woman free of the emotions that bind and control her, but
now this was not to be in the body of the woman whose emotions had got me to
this level, but a new woman. The knowledge grew in me that actually this is the
purpose of all men, if only they (he) could do it.
The state
of being is deepening as time passes. While there are many experiences along the
way, each one seeming more amazing than the last and each giving the impression
of nearly being 'there', in the end it is just 'being'. Not being anything, as
the state is to be in touch with the source before anything exists. So it really
is simply to Be.
So what now? What
does a person do once they have reached 'Enlightenment', the apparent end of
personal striving and the purpose of existence? They carry on doing whatever
they are moved to do. Nothing has really changed, and life must still be lived.
by Nick Roach
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the full letter cannot be displayed here for copyright reasons
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