No-Self (the stage beyond God-Realisation - Liberation)
(This page was previously
entitled No-Self, as above, but I later decided I preferred the term
'Liberation'. The reasons for this are given on the
Diary
Page)
There have been two questions which have
occasionally occurred to me during the last 7 years since God-Realisation
(or Self-Realisation) happened here:
1) Why do people keep claiming ‘There is nobody
here’ – when, to me, there clearly is, even in God-Realisation?
2) Why have I continued to experience (apparently) emotional stress, long
into God-Realisation?
These two questions have recently been answered,
and I would like to share with you what I have learned...
(I have also begun a little diary of events that
could be relevant and will add to the list as events unfold. This
was situated at the bottom of this page, but now has a page dedicated to the unfolding experiences:
Diary-after Enlightenment)
I had assumed that the teaching that there is
nobody here (in its truest sense - once the Truth of this existence has been
fully realised) was simply a misinterpretation of one of the insights; for
there has been no doubt, whatever 'I' am, that 'I' am still 'here'. Sure, I
have realised there is one Being here, and that this one Being is my own
being, but realising this did not make 'me' disappear. I simply became 'bigger' than I
thought I was (the energy behind everything). But life went on.
Also, I had also assumed that the teachings that
describe everything as continuous peace in this state must be due to the environment the
teachers in question live(d) in - invariably this would be some eastern country, in the
sunshine, with very little else to do but enjoy 'being'. I have had no doubt
that I too could teach about the peace, if I lived there, instead of having
a 'real' job working for a busy local authority in the UK. In addition, life has seemingly
thrown situation after situation at me, and daily living has been far from
easy - ever. I have just hoped there was some reason or benefit to it, and more-so
for an end.
As I write this (near the end of March 2011), it
has been about two weeks since I turned to Sally, whilst getting ready to
leave our home to go to work, and out of the blue said "I feel like I have
had enough. I have just had enough!".
I did not know that was my turning point...
At around the same time, and it could have been
the same day, I received an email from a visitor to this site who I had been
corresponding with for a few weeks. We had exchanged a lot of information
during the time and this latest email included the words "I think that
Bernadette Roberts may be at a more 'advanced' state than yourself
currently:
http://www.spiritualteachers.org/b_roberts_interview.htm"
I don't tend to read works by other teachers.
Their teachings are either the same as what I say, in which case there
is nothing to learn. Or they say something different, in which case their
teachings are contrary and often over-complicated (or just coming from a
different place)...
Anyway, I wanted to be open, to be able to
explain away the apparent superior position; or, better still, learn
something new. But I could not see what could be more 'advanced' than
God-Realisation. So, I read the interview on the page linked to above.
At the time I was amazed. It hit a core with
me, so perfectly timed and executed that suddenly I knew this was it. There
was something here that I had not heard of, or at least had not appreciated
before. I had to find out more...
Bernadette's path is quite different from my
own. She describes coming from a Catholic / Christian background, and her
spiritual journey being one of contemplation, prayer and reading. Whereas
my own has been simply fighting to remain conscious and 'do the right thing'
in the face of continuing adversity; all the time longing for an end to the
inner effort and struggling.
However, Bernadette describes entering a new
state some 20 years after
entering (what she terms) God-Union - It was as if her 'centre'
had gone...
She says, at the time, she looked everywhere for
some reference to explain what this was. Surely someone else must have been
here before? Eventually she found one line in the Buddhist teaching:
"Initially, I gave up looking for this experience in the Buddhist literature. Four years later,
however, I came across two lines attributed to Buddha describing his enlightenment experience.
Referring to self as a house, he said, "All thy rafters are broken now, the ridgepole is
destroyed." And there it was - the disappearance of the center,
the ridgepole; without it, there can be no house, no self. When I read these
lines, it was as if an arrow launched at the beginning of time had suddenly
hit a bulls-eye. It was a remarkable find."
She goes on to say that the confusion occurs
because teachings (both traditional and current) merge the two states
together, God-Union and No-Self, when they are very different; as I was soon
to learn...
I knew this was my next step. I felt I was so
close. But how does one make their self, their centre disappear?
That night, in bed, I was given a glimpse of
the experience whereby the centre did seem to evaporate, right 'in front of my
eyes' (as the saying goes), and it was gone. Then, a moment later it was back,
but now at least I knew what I was looking for...
I spent a couple of days doing what I have
always done in these situations: holding onto a sensation within (in this
case, the sense of a centre) so as to dissolve it, but it was not working.
As I held onto it, there it remained. I felt I needed a new way of dealing
with this.
It then occurred to me, if I let go of the
centre and focused outside of myself, on the world around me, what would
happen? I was already Self/God-Realised so I could not lose that. So, I
tried it, and the moment I did so the centre was gone. There was only this
space looking 'out' at the objects of the world - no centre; no 'self'!
That was a few days ago now, and this has
continued to be the experience here. It's a little strange and still new,
but I will try to explain it more in my own words below:
The Experience of No-Self
First, I am still 'Me'. By that I mean, to
everyone who knows me, nothing has changed - I don't have a halo, or wear
sandals. And, although internally something has indeed changed, it requires a
little looking to confirm what exactly.
The slightly ambiguous aspect is the lack of a
centre. I say 'ambiguous' because, even though it has only been a matter of
days, I cannot, even now, remember what the centre was like. I only remember
thinking that I had one, and one evening noticing it had gone. (In hindsight
I can just about recall that the centre had been my solid foundation since
God-Realisation occurred here. Where, no matter what happened, or how
difficult life seemed to become, this impenetrable core held steady). But
now there is no centre here, within this space of awareness. There is
only 'this', the being behind what I call 'me', looking out, but
nevertheless continuing to experience the external world just as before.
Also, while I see objects around me, I have noticed
that it is as if the space between 'me' and the objects is actually solid.
There is a sense that the 'empty space' is energetically 'present' and full.
Second, and perhaps the biggest change, is the
'peace', but I would like to qualify this further (whilst acknowledging
entirely that as I write this it is still early days. No doubt there will be
more to say later)...
Over the last couple of days I have been
considering how I will write this; what I will say and how best to describe
it. The following analogy occurred to me as being perhaps
quite a good way to describe the entire process:
The Reluctant Passenger
Initially, when I was struggling, long before I
knew anything about the (so-called) spiritual life, I was like a reluctant
passenger in the backseat of a car. The car was not going where I wanted it
to go, the driver would not listen to me, and no amount of shouting,
screaming, wailing and whining would seem to make the slightest difference.
It was frustrating, terrifying, shocking, and finally, full of desperation,
I began to give up and wanted to know what was going on. I suggest this is
the start of the (conscious) spiritual life...
Still in the backseat, I try to stay more aware
and in control of my actions and reactions, and more aware of the car, of the
driver, and where we seem to be going. It is as if I am possessed and have
little control over what I am feeling but, bit by bit, my efforts are
rewarded with glimpses into what is really going on. I begin to see that I
am actually the one driving the car. Then, one day, I find I am no longer
sitting in the backseat, struggling, shouting, but in the front, holding the steering
wheel, driving the car. Thank God!
But, what is this? I still hear the wailing and the crying
from the backseat. Sure, it is no longer 'me', but whatever it is, the
creature in the backseat is still most unhappy and demands that I listen to
it and that I take it where it wants to go!
I drive on, following the signs and the road, ignoring my
reluctant passenger, and apparently knowing where to drive but with no real
knowledge of where we are going - of the final destination. I wonder what
will make the creature go away, as it is making the driving experience most
unpleasant. I could handle the driving, the queuing, getting in the right
lane, avoiding the road-hog cutting me up, without incident, if only the
creature would just shut up and let me drive. Every so often I get some
respite, as the creature seems to have either fallen asleep or has actually
found a part of the journey quite enjoyable. But I am always aware that it's
not far away, and soon it returns to its deranged state, and lets me know it.
And of course the creature doesn't have a choice.
Occasionally I think back and remember what it was like to be there,
trapped, imprisoned against my will, consumed with fear and no-one telling
me where we are going or what they want with me. But now, to me, it's just
a nuisance!
To me, this is God-Realisation.
Suddenly, having been driving around for quite sometime, I
notice something has changed. The creature in the backseat seems to have
been quiet for longer than usual. Has it gone? Is it dead? In truth, I don't know. All
I know is the backseat is quiet and all is well. I can get on with driving
and enjoying the journey...
...Ah, that's
better... quickly our little friend is forgotten. With no sense of a
passenger, this quiet becomes the norm, the ordinary, as if this is how
things should be. Just me and the car, taking the road where it leads...
During the first couple of days I asked internally:
1) Do I have a Self?’
2) Where is my centre?
This is what I wrote:
The answer to the first is that I do not know
for sure. I think the Self is still here, but it is now everything. It
is as if it is aligned with what is, so cannot be experienced as is no
longer separate or contrary to what is. Whether this is the same as No-Self,
at this point I cannot guarantee, but it is only a few days into the
process.
With regards to the second question, if I allow
my sight to focus on a particular object, my centre would seem to be the
middle point between what is doing the looking and the object being looked
at. No longer is my centre in the body.
It is a bit like watching a movie in the first
person, and therefore self-consideration is minimal as it is not ‘me’. 'I'
(whatever ‘I’ am) have no reality here. There is just ‘this’ being
experienced, but I have not changed ‘who’ I am. I am just not concerned
about what is happening to this body or where I am right now.
I also noticed a series of coincidences 'helping' make the
physical journey during those few days much more pleasant. As if
offering some sort of external indication that all was well and as it should
be.
The Final Journey
I have called this section 'The Final Journey' because it
seems as good a name as any, but it is really still mostly speculative to
me.
Bernadette describes this stage (which has been termed
'No-Self') as there being nothing more for the Self to learn. Hence its
absence. Whether or not it has really gone, or whether it has just given up
and is 'going with the flow' I do not know, but the result is the same: No
more 'self-consideration'. All is quiet.
She describes a later level where the mind no
longer focuses on specific objects - a state she has termed 'No-Where'. I
cannot comment further on this, except to say that my own insights (in our
book Essays in Truth) describe how the need for the dream of existence will
eventually be lived out, and the dream will evaporate. But I am not in a
hurry for this to happen. Just let me drive around for a while and see the
sights, without my little gremlin in the backseat screaming at me.
Self-Avoidance / Self-Denial
I wanted to touch on something here briefly:
The teaching of there being 'Nobody Here!'.
I have to say that I cannot see how it is useful
to deny the existence of the self in one's attempt to go beyond it (a point
Bernadette Roberts also states repeatedly). It may only be my own path, but
the realising of God (for want of a better term) was an important step in
the journey. Taking the car analogy further, I do not see how can one hope to have the 'self'
that is screaming in the backseat disappear until they have
first realised that they are not it? (As I see it) Simply repeating 'There is nobody here!' is delusional, and may serve only to prolong the time spent in the
hypothetical backseat. In fact, it could be said that it is the creature itself that has
adopted the mantra, hoping in vain that if it repeats it enough, one day it
will come true - it will disappear. And of course, one day it will be true,
but only after it accepts that it does exist and begins to confront the
situation with presence and intelligence. So, I suggest self-denial or
self-avoidance should not to be confused with the experience of
No-Self, and furthermore are probably not the best means by which to realise
it.
As I teach it, the path is first to see, and then
to realise, that you are not the
self (the emotional monster). You are the space within and behind what you
thought was you. Here you find the knowledge that everything comes from this
space, and in this you are alone, but complete. Whatever 'you' are, this is
all that is, this space that you call 'I'.
Eventually, when you have lived enough in this state, 'No-Self' will
come looking for you. There is nowhere to hide. :o)
Thank you
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